Monday, January 28, 2008

Crusty Chicken Uncovered...

It saddens me deeply to report that our friends in the CIA have revealed a massive cover-up over at Chunky Chincken's - alas, it is in connection with her most famous initiative, the drive to establish the Diva Cup as the cutting edge of green femaleness.

You may recall, in the early thoughts she shared with us, she confessed she was worried about... a sneeze.

What we've discovered is, The Sneeze did indeed occur.  And it was, as feared, catastrophic; putting the entire project in grave doubt- which clearly has been the motive behind the ensuing cover-up.

Working together with Chinese Military Intelligence, the CIA (both organizations monitor all communications from the Little House - really) was investigating all the activities on the Chicken's blog, seeking any clue as to the origin of the fierce animosity towards this blog; beyond, of course, her sad failure to dominate the poll she'd intended to illustrate her own moral supremacy in the green-blog wars.  (Notice her own blog is listed first in the poll, rather than using alphabetical order- this is a well known ploy for skewing results...)

Chuppa Chicken afishionadoes may recall THIS highly salacious post- 

Ostensibly regarding the green aspects of elevators, the CMI-CIA team discovered that the photo published there was an extensively photoshopped picture of- the aftermath of  The Sneeze...  captured by the CC in-house pap-arazzi (hoping for good smear material, as always), and recycled for other purposes, as is typical there.

Here is the extensively photoshopped photograph, as published by Chopped Chickkens-


This is indeed a photograph, in spite of the considerable resemblance to commercial semi-soft porn drawings.  PhotoShop is amazing, isn't it?

The Intelligence squad was suspicious of this photo, and discovered on a remote server in Kuuzbeckystan (the border country between Kurd and Uzbek regions) used by Hallibutton Inc to backup all web activity, the original photo: and the steps involved in creating this one.  We know this is shocking; but we feel obliged to make the truth known.

Long-time Chickn minions will be aware that Madame Crinchy has always been sensitive about her appearance, and has often sought to mislead the blog consuming public in that regard.  For months, she claimed this as her personal photo-


even though this is merely a drawing of the obscure robot, Windsy Lagner.  Sad, we think.

  Other photo deceptions were also perpetrated in the early days, but we will not inflict them upon our readers now.

The first clue that all was not as it appeared came when this photo was uncovered, in the Kuuzbecky server backup-


As you can see, an original photo has been blatantly altered, proof of Chunky Chippy's attempt to pass off her current "photo" as reality.  

Digging further, we uncovered the actual, (mostly) UNRETOUCHED photograph below-  revealing, for the first time anywhere, the Madama Crunch's TRUE FACE- covered up eventually with a totally fabricated image.  (SOME retouching HAS gone on in this photo- we do not claim Madam has 4 arms yet; but analysis reveals the face is in fact the original photo image, unaltered.)


AND, as all can clearly see, the true fate of the Diva Cup - following The Sneeze.  The elevator person's shoe was irretrievably damaged, according to our information, and he has not yet been reimbursed.

Sad, and disappointing, but reality so often is.

Likewise, we must report that the alleged "potty-offset" schemes being touted by DC turned out to be- a ploy, alas, to get Hallibutton employees ensconced in the THWASPCO as putative "potty watchers"- but whose real task would have been to spy on the Little Blog's personnel, for purposes of future embarrassment.

No actual payments for offsets were forthcoming- despite DC's effusive promises.  We fear that "DC", in fact, may be mere vaporware from Krunchola; another egg layer of deception.

Faith, it's an uncertain world, altogether.  (Errol Flynn, in Captain Blood).

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(PS - We hereby declare the humor contest to be "complete" - and while all the comments in the world are welcome here, we will not be making more revenge oriented posts any time soon.  I've duct taped my dignity back together, and am resuming the cloak, undisirregardless of activities elsewhither.)

20 comments:

Despairing said...

I'm LMFAO!

I guess if I was a woman, I'd be LMFCO - the last two words being "cup out"!

Melinda said...

Wow. I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. You win the humor contest, Greenpa.

DC said...

Wow, I’ve been called a lot of things before, but never “vaporware.” Touché!

P.S. - I hope that this post isn't a sign that you are succumbing to Divacup Envy, as I once suggested to Crunchy that certain other individuals have. Spice, you had better keep an eye on your stuff.

You're a lot of fun, Greenpa. Thanks.

:-)

Crunchy Chicken said...

This is an outrage. I feel I must set a few facts straight about the photo doctoring:

1. My DivaCup is much larger
2. The bow on it is pink, not yellow
3. There's a reason they call me Windsy - how else do you think my granties are down around my cankles?

Finally, I do want to point out that at least I was caught carrying in fresh vegetables from the Farmers Market.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go adjust the Sleep Number on my mattress.

DC said...

P.P.S. - You get extra credit for merging Edvard Munch's expressionist masterpiece The Scream with cheesy 1950's quasi-pop art. After careful deliberation, I think I am going to have to agree with Melinda and award you a blue ribbon in the humor department. I hate shopping, but I likes Photoshopping.

Greenpa said...

DC - I think it's clear Munch stole that image from Crunchy, and just slightly altered the name, from "The Sneeze" to "The Scream" -

:-)

Seriously- this is fun, and you guys are great sports also. Maybe we should do an April Fool's Day mutual attack, once a year, or something.

There's considerable evidence that a good sense of humor is adaptive, and a good survival trait. So that's hopeful.

But I am leery of getting sucked into constant warfare- it's not why we're here. :-)

Any clues as to why the comments here are so few (so far)? Was my response just a little too far over the "rude" edge, leaving the readers speechless?

Chile said...

Nope, not rude. Hilarious. You've definitely earned yourself a potty break and some uninterrupted reading time. Enjoy. :)

Crunchy Chicken said...

Oh, don't think you are getting away this easy.

DC said...

Greenpa, I wouldn't assume that the paucity of comments so far indicates that people thought your post was too over the top. I think a lot of people enjoyed it who didn't comment -- my wife thought it was very funny.

I am willing to accept the olive branch you have extended and declare détente. I like to laugh, but in the words of the immortal Rodney Dangerfield, "I'm a lover not a fighter," and I wouldn't ever want to carry things to far.

That being said, my head was not pasted on an elevator woman who sneezed out a Diva Cup, and I have no control over Crunchy. I fear you may have unleashed karmic forces unlike any this earth has ever known. She does have a weakness for heirloom vegetables, though. Maybe if you sent her some organic seeds from your big woods garden-of-plenty as a peace offering, she would go easy on you.

jewishfarmer said...

I thought you actually did a remarkable job of going properly over the top. I liked it a lot - female menstrual blood is such a stupid taboo. Nice to have a guy do an unflinching mock.

Loved it,

Sharon

crstn85 said...

so funny.

really enjoying your return from blogging hiatus.

Jacran Cottage said...

This has to be the funniest over the top post I've ever read!!!

Anonymous said...

laughing out loud!

helwen said...

Excellent -- and the other folks' posts too! A little break from all the serious stuff is nice once in a while. (Although I also like the bits of humor you inject in your regular posts too)

I agree that a good sense of humor is important in adapting :)

Heather G

Theresa said...

Jaw droppingly hilarious!

Like crstn85, I'm also really enjoying your return from blogging hiatus - can't wait for your next post!

Raw Vegan Mama said...

The green blog world gets more entertaining every week! I loved it! :)

Thanks for all the light-hearted humor you three!

RVM

riverbird said...

delicious. i welcome break from 14 page rants and stats in the larger community. not even close to over the top, pure humor - well done.

Rechelle said...

Hilarious! and I can't think of a more deserving target...I mean subject!

Sandy said...

Well now, I'm hysterically laughing. And now a new term "LMFCO". That should be on the Diva Cup pin that they give you when you purchase the Diva.

Both you and Crunch get a virtual high five for the humor this morning!

But I don't think Crunch is going to let you off with "let's sing Kumbaya and get back to business". I don't think she's "that kind of girl". :)

Green Bean said...

You guys are too funny. Who said being green was boring?!